I know mess makes you mad. I know you can’t feel OK if your surroundings are out of place.
I don’t do it just to hack you off. I don’t leave mess intentionally so that you have to clean it up. I want you to be happy and I do try. But sometimes I forget the socks.
My mind’s hijacked itself and I’ve been dragged onto the next thing immediately, which feels as critical to my sense of safety and well-being as your need for Tidy is to you. It’s that same urgent feeling.
Sometimes that means I don’t even see the socks anymore. Or the cup on the table or the towel on the floor.
You can’t feel calm when the socks are left on the couch because your brain is telling you urgently that “I can’t live like that. It’s dirty. It’s too much clutter. This must stop now before it spirals out of control”. You’re really not in danger but your brain is telling you that you are.
I could put the socks away and be back in 15 seconds but my brain didn’t tell me to do that. Instead it’s urgently telling me “Stop what you’re doing and look over here now. Focus on this. You’re at risk of forgetting this or missing out and that means STUFFING UP!”
I’ll notice the socks and get around to putting them away eventually, but that’s too late for you.
For both of us, our brains are producing an unhealthy dose of unnecessary stress hormones. That’s the real problem here. Not the socks.
Before your frustration revs up your angry voice please remember this.
I keep most of my other clothes away how you like them. I celebrate with you at Christmas and on your birthday and on our anniversaries. I compliment you to my friends when you’re not there to hear it. I love sharing life with you. I reminisce the memories we make. I remember the passing comment you made years ago about what shirts you like to see me in and I still wear them. I try to put the seat back down. I change the toilet roll. I’ll do 100 other automatic things, yesterday, today and tomorrow, because I care.
When you don’t notice what I do, and only notice what I don’t, I wonder what place I hold to you. How can I bring happiness to your life if all I do is upset you with accidental stray cups and socks and towels.
It’s our brains that drive our behaviour and everyone’s is wired a little different. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.
Next time you need to nudge me because of one of my weaknesses, because that what family does, please do it with patience and kindness. “Honey, your socks are over here”
And if I’ve let it get too far and it’s too much for you please sit me down and make the practical effects it’s having on you really clear.
From the one who left the socks on the couch, I’m sorry and I love you.